Now the cat is out of the bag and has caught a death from cold I can fill people in on the epic journey that was my surprise trip home for Christmas. In a moment of hormonal, home-sickness (I blame listening to Dawn Landes “Dig Me a Hole” on repeat for a week), I had booked tickets home for Christmas. Having told my family the original plan, that I would be travelling around Central America, I decided to keep up the charade and surprise them. Easier said than done with the privacy pulverising Facebook in the mix, but some how, thanks to a combination of my friends’ discretion and their lack of interest I managed to keep the whole thing secret.
The main snag to the plan came slowly rumbling to light as I checked the news on the day I was set to travel and read England, once again, had been caught out and brought to its chilly knocking knees by a unexpectedly seasonal flurry of snow. Blindly optimistic I set off on my journey anyway and it was only when I got to Miami and checked with the staff that I was told, oh actually your flight won’t be getting to Heathrow. So I was given the option, stay in Miami or catch my connection as usual and get stuck in New York. Now I have seen Home Alone 2 so the choice was simple. New York.
Arriving in the first night I found myself completely shattered and bedless in the city that never sleeps. Issue is: I do sleep. A lot. After hours of queuing for information I already had (that the flight would not be heading off any time soon), I found the nearest, “cheapest” hotel and hunkered down for the night. Well it was 9.30pm, I was alone and Wizard of Oz was on TV. Fell asleep just after the part where Dorothy, trying to get home to her family, is stuck in the poppy-field full of snow but then makes it to the glowing lights of the Emerald City. It all seemed very apt. There is no place like home but while I was trapped here I had big plans to check out all the munchkins!
The next morning I checked my emails to find to my, perhaps not his, delight that a friend, Stephane, from UPEACE was also stuck in New York. Plus he was staying in a lovely, swanky hotel on Broadway... so I promptly invited myself along and after a long subway ride next to a mentally ill but very friendly guy I was in the centre of Manhattan and ready to explore. I had a quick wander around and discover our hotel was three blocks from Times Square, the glamour, if anything being added to by the presence of people dressed as SpongeBob and Elmo on the streets. It was like I had wandered into the TV, and all the channels were playing at one.
I’d agreed to meet Stephane at 11am and sure enough, on the dot the elevator doors opened and there he was. The rest of the day was a montage of brilliant moments. Like an seasoned New Yorker I showed Stephane around Times Square, mumbling “hey I’m walking here” under my breath to anyone that came near. Stephane got a picture with Minnie Mouse and as she held out her hand after I realised she expected payment and felt very much like the naive little country mouse in the big city. Where I’m from the mascots on the street are in it for the love of the game.
I assured Stephane that I had a pretty good innate sense of direction and would get us around. I then proceeded to take us in EXACTLY the wrong direction at every turn. After walking for twenty minutes and not finding Central Park we found instead Madison Square Gardens and Penn Station. I also found myself a giant pretzel and had to squirrel most of it away for future snacks. We managed to get ourselves to 5th Avenue and there found a kind of photo-booth where you could dress up in hideous Christmas gear and get a photo, all for a donation to charity. Like they say, when in Rome... dress as a giant Christmas-present and pose infront of a fake fire place.
I, eventually after several wrong turns, dragged Stephane to Rockafellar Square where we watched the ice-skating, looked at the Christmas tree and I recreated every moment from the opening sequences of 30 Rock. Stephane had never seen the show but was very patient and polite, diplomatically commenting that my face looked “interesting in that photo”. Well it should I was being Kenneth.
We found the Empire State building but were both under-whelmed by it. They should never have gotten rid of the giant ape, it really finished it off nicely. The Chrysler was much better. From there were headed down 5th Ave, sparkling with Christmas lights and finally found Central Park where we saw a break-dancing squad, carol singers, 50 half naked rugby boys, some aging extreme Frisbee players and big bird having a chat. We also stopped at every hat and glove stand and piled on the layers (I only had a raincoat from Costa Rica and so was wearing every jumper I had with me- it was still freeeeezing).
Later we got the subway to China town and who should be sitting opposite us but.... Todd, the bongo playing third Conchord from Flight of the Conchords. It was all I could do not to say Arf Arf. Stephane had never seen that show either (honestly it as if the French have better things to do than watch hours of TV) so was a bit confused as to why I was bouncing up and down with excitement.
Having finally calmed down we got some Chinese food, searched in vain for Brooklyn Bridge, grabbed a taxi home and stopped off at Times Square again to see it all lit up. Staring up at the big, neon lit billboards Stephane said “you know, just once in my life I think I should get my face up there.” The universe must have been listening because the next second the ad we were looking at flashed over to reveal a sign saying “Get your 15 seconds of fame, come in doors and get your photo taken.” Well you can’t ignore the universe, especially when it messaging you through a 50ft TV screen, so we got our best poses on in the shop and 5 mins later we were stood in Times Square watching our huge faces flashing up next to Hollywood stars and signs for Broadway shows. It was brilliant! So I can tick “Get my face on Broadway” off the list. I only wish I had had my Christmas present outfit from before.
Feeling like the stars we had been for 5 minutes we headed back to the hotel, sat in the incredibly plush bar and drank Manhattans and Cosmopolitans until the bar shut and our bank balances had run dry.
The next day I had to leave for the airport at 12 so we got up and headed off to nerdishly drool over the United Nations building. We took the tour and got to go inside the General Assembly room while they were in session. Couldn’t hear what was going on but pretty sure everyone was just chatting away on Facebook saying “OMG did you see what BKM just said! Happy face, angry face.” By the time we’d earmarked where our future offices would be it was time to go and I got the shuttle to the airport and held my breath while the plane was delayed and delayed and finally went! Off I flew to English snowy fields and to scare the living daylights out of my unsuspecting family. All in all, the best possible disaster.
Lessons learnt:
I mainly listened to Fairy tale of New York and Last of the Melting Snow (Leisure Society).
If you haven’t seen Home Alone 2 (like Stephane), spending hours in Central Park trying to find a bird-lady ally may seem a waste of time.
The General Assembly building is totally falling apart. Big damp patches and everything. The guide said, I wouldn’t be surprised if one day that balcony falls off. I might have to get into the Security Council instead. They probably have a retrospectively cautious plan to address having had a balcony fall on you. But it would be vetoed by China just because they know how to build walls that last.
Oh, Maevita! What an adventure! I have never been to New York and your whistle-stop tour sounds absolutely perfect although it doesn't sound like you needed a bird-lady ally given that you had such a ball. Miss you from the other side of the southern hemisphere. M xx
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